#phew. i've been wanting to get this out for like a couple days but couldn't quite find the words

[rbbrbikerthorp]

Homeward Bound

[A couple of days ago my BoSS sent me this picture to inspire my story writing]

Here goes...

I'm standing at Victoria Station. It's been another busy, but repetitive day for this office drone - OKRs, appraisals, budgeting and answering more emails than I care to remember. At least I have a week's annual leave to look forward to.

After a ten minute delay the train finally pulls into the platform. I'd not booked a seat so I head for coach 'D' which is always unreserved. After quickly scanning the carriage I can see that while there's only a few seats left unoccupied, midway down there appears to be three available. To be sure of a seat for my fifty minute journey, I rapidly move through the carriage to where the empty ones are located. I throw my coat and bag up on the rack above the seat and sit down. Phew! Another day closer to the weekend, another day close to my break from the mundane.

That's when I notice that someone is sitting opposite me. It then dawns on me why the seats we unoccupied. A gangly looking thirty-something - but also someone you'd cross the street to avoid. Tattoos all the way down his arms, braces, a black T-shirt with foreign language text (I assumed would probably be offensive if translated), army camouflage pants and heavy black boots laced almost up to his knees. Standing out against the black of the leather is the white laces giving the casual observer the impression of a ladder.

I grab my phone trying not to make eye contact, but I can sense him smirking.

"Want a can?"

I look up. Is he talking to me? He must be. It's only the two of us, occupying two of the four seats.

"Sorry", I reply

"Want a beer?" he says, not looking directly at me.

"Oh, no thanks". I decline the offer because I’ve got a twenty minute drive home from the train station.

He turns his head slightly to look me straight in the eyes. “You look stressed - difficult day at work?” His face contorts and then he smiles. Suddenly, I sense a friendly side to this aggressive looking stranger.

With an authoritative voice, he now says, "have a beer". It didn't feel like a request, it felt like an order.

So to shut him up, I agree. Thinking I will just take a few sips and push it aside. I assumed he’d pass me the unopened can that is already on the table, but he grabs one out of the bulging carrier bag by his feet. 

I gingerly take it. I look at the can. The text looks eastern European - I didn't recognise the brand and I couldn't figure out where it was made. I open it and take a sip. The taste hits me like a sledgehammer. "Wow! - it’s got a kick".

He just nodded and turned to look out of the window.

I take another sip. What's with the taste? Then I take a bigger gulp, and another, and eventually I start swigging the beer. Before I know it I’ve necked the whole can. I should also say I now feel a bit light-headed.

Hearing my bang the empty can down on the table, he turns his head in my direction.

"Good stuff". Then he reaches down into the carrier bag once more and hands me another beer. "Open it".

Without hesitating I lift the ring pull.

"Now get it down you. Quicker this time".

I do as I'm told and glug the beer quickly. In no time I've emptied the second can. This stuff is powerful. I've had two cans and I already feel like I've been on an all-night session - no driving home for me!

I'm handed a third by this stranger. The taste of this unknown beer has got to me. I need no encouragement to open the can and start drinking. It's at this point that I start feeling strange. I notice the sinister grin has returned to the skinhead's face. I don't think I'd got even halfway through the can when I started to feel envelope of unconsciousness descending on me. The last thing I remember is hearing the can bang on the carriage floor.

Should I continue?

[tokitooth]

ok this ended up quite long so i will put this under a cut. cw for brief suicide mentions

the last time i changed my pronouns i was 16 which is why i specifically am feeling this way. i switched from he/they to just he/him and like not very long after (for reasons unrelated to the pronoun change and more related to just being a trans teenager in general) i kinda . developed an unhealthy relationship w my trans identity. my dysphoria was soooo bad i didn't want to be seen in public most days so i would skip school, getting misgendered was enough to ruin my entire day, and i was quite morbidly depressed and very seriously considering ending it all bc i was miserable. and this also manifested in other ways that i am not proud of, i remember feeling at one point like even the sight of the trans flag made me sick bc it felt like a constant reminder that i'd never be who i was supposed to be. but relevant to my current situation specifically i was against the idea of anyone using it/its for themselves ever. LUCKILY i was good at keeping that shit to myself (i was scared of alienating myself from people i was close to online) so this never turned into taking things out on others unjustly but the belief was very much there.

and even after i managed to dig myself out of the discourse poisoned dysphoria induced depression hole, after i learned how to be more normal about neos and xenogenders and it/its users, and after i started t and began to arrive at a place where i felt more comfortable in my own body, i still thought for the last 5 years that he/him was the end of it. i was content enough with the idea of being Just Some Guy. but. i did look at people who used xenogenders and neos and even just people who clearly felt secure enough in their identity to tell you adjectives they identify with and felt a sense of envy. i wanted to have that kind of fun with it, but nothing ever really felt like it fit, so... i didn't really want to be Just Some Guy (emo edition), but all things considered, "Just Some Guy" is a better place to be at than we were a few years ago, so count your blessings i guess? we don't want to die anymore so let's just celebrate that victory for now!

and that's just like. how i lived since i was 18. i didn't really think there was anything more out there for me when it came to my identity because even in the last year whenever i've tried floating the idea of neos for myself there was nothing that felt right so i just continued w this mindset of of "i guess i'm Just Some Guy now. i've tried and i've tried but there's just nothing. which is fine! i wish there was more out there for me and i wish i was having more fun like those other guys but it's not the end of the world." and CLEARLY i'm seeing now in hindsight that that was my gut telling me there IS something more out there that i just hadn't found yet.

so anyway that's why i think it's so fascinating that i landed on it/its to add alongside he. it's like i've let the testosterone marinate for long enough. i'm able to explore the idea of other identities, specifically nonhuman identities, and realize i like being a bit of a Thing. and i like being a cat specifically. it's strange to think about arriving at this point when there was a time i was against it. i can't even fathom what 16 y/o me would think of me now but i just wish i could go talk to him and SHOW him that things will be okay for us. i wish he didn't have to carry all that stuff around that we did at that age but i also know time is a straight line and i wouldn't be me now without me then. so since i can't show him i'm just going to be happy for him and be grateful that i've gotten to a point where i don't carry that around anymore and where i can actually have Fun with it. bc it was unthinkable to me then.

it's sorta like . idk. i can only imagine it's like the feeling of moving out of a corporatized apartment building and becoming a homeowner. i've gone from hating my body to tolerating it, and i spent a very long time tolerating it, but now that t has changed my appearance enough that i feel confident enough to present as a man, i'm realizing i can have fun with it. i can decorate the place how i want to. i can hang up photos and repaint the trim if i want. like i'm going from just living in my body to actually making it mine. and admittedly it does make me excited to think about what my identity will look like in another 5 years. maybe i'll have painted the trim back to its original color or maybe it'll be another new color. maybe there will be different photos hung up or maybe something completely different will be on the wall instead. who knows! only one way to find out tho. i have to be here to see it

can i get . can i get emo about identity stuff

[todayimgonnaplay]

Today I'm Gonna Play: Persona 3 Reload

Phew, this took a pretty long time to complete! This was one of the many awaited games of this year that I've wanted to play, and I've finally completed it today! This isn't my first time playing P3, but since I only have experience with Portable, that's the only version I can compare it to when I talk about P3R.

I'm probably in the minority that liked Tartarus in the original versions. The randomly generated dungeons and amount of them didn't bother me at all. Each floor felt it had a short and even length to explore, and the shuffle cards encouraged me to fight every single enemy (or Shadow) that appeared. Reload definitely improves on a couple aspects in that the floors look more appealing in terms of design, and are also varied per set/block that you traverse through. In addition to that, there's even additional dungeons for more challenge or encounters that spice up climbing through these floors. Despite that, I kind of felt myself getting pretty bored about 20-30 hours in the game grinding through them. I'm not sure if it's because I've been playing Persona games the past 6+ months that I'm starting to hit a fatigue, or if there's something I don't like about this revamped design. In the end, I had to switch to playing Peaceful to just get through the game. One thing I do miss and wish were in more RPGs that do dungeon formats was being able to split your party to search the floors. This made clearing them much more faster, and also helped with leveling up too. Although I think leveling in Reload is a lot more lenient, and there's a new scouting feature instead where you send 1 party member to move up a floor in advance, which is probably why they removed splitting. But this occurs randomly rather than something you can do by choice, and is mostly for item collection.

In terms of non-combat or the social aspect, I definitely liked seeing familiar and new faces, yet also didn't like them at the same time. Seeing them fully voiced in a 3D environment compared to P3P is like night and day and makes it much more immersive! Being able to see their stories as these characters struggle and change really pays off well when you finish the game. Compared to Persona 4 where I loved how tight-knit the main cast was, I couldn't really get into the social links individually (but I loved the detail of many of them being acquainted with one another). With Reload's theme of Death, it beautifully illustrates how death can be both literal and metaphorical, and how people can overcome or accept it, while looking forward to a better tomorrow. That being said, some social links definitely felt infuriating to go through, which made it hard to sympathize with those characters. 4 on the other hand at least made them bearable at most (except two that I really disliked). One really neat aspect that Reload added were link episodes with male characters and even antagonists to flesh them out more, as well as activities with the main cast. Not only were they enjoyable and added more characterization, they still provide gameplay benefits just as much as the regular social links do, so they didn't feel like a waste of time.

This is probably a nitpick but one thing I'd REALLY like to see improved upon in future titles (or maybe I'll change my mind with 5 Royal) is to allow for more time to socialize. For a game about time management, they're really brutal with how often can you hang out considering the amount of holidays, exams, and even time skips that block your progress. It makes this one unique aspect of this series so stressful to go through if you want to max all social links, unless you use a guide and follow it strictly. Fortunately, multiple playthroughs do solve this apparently as these stats can carry over. But personally, to think about going through a second playthrough when I've technically played this entry 2 and a half times, it can get really exhausting.

Apart from gameplay, the best highlight for me is the UI. Portable's UI is one of my favourite (if not my most) in all video games. I love how minimalistic yet stylish it is. Reload completely revamps it by using a water motif as a reference to the sea of souls, while also propping the protagonist. It never gets tiring to look at!

A mixed opinion I have is about the music. The new music is always great, which I think only P3 has been able to pull off compared to the others regardless of version(for e.g. I'm not a fan of Shadow World and whatever 5 Royal's opening and battle theme are). But the old singer is definitely someone that is hard to replace. Although she performs amazingly in the new songs, and I have come to accept some of the remixes; She carries a sense of monotony compared to a relaxed yet somewhat carefree style that the old singer had. Maybe monotony fits with how the protagonist is, but this is just preference.

Overall, I think this remake was made with a lot of hard work and passion, trying to bring fresh ideas yet being faithful to the original version of 3. Although I felt tired of playing it at some point and started rushing, I'm still glad I had the opportunity to go through this journey one more time. I think it's going to take a lot longer now to check out Persona 5 Royal, but I will be looking forward to Episode Aigis this year!

[askthedespairkids]

*As the party continues, and the first dance comes to a close, Kaede finishes playing the song and steps away from the piano as the playlist of Naomi and Karma's songs begin to once again fill the air. As Kaede goes to grab herself a drink, she notices Sly standing by himself, removed from the party*

*She comes over and lets out a long exasperated 'phew'* That ceremony was great, huh?

How come you're standing by yourself? Not feeling the atmosphere?

Sly: *He perks his head up* Hmm? No no, the atmosphere is great. Everyone did a really good job and our lovely couple seem to be really happy...I've just never really been to a wedding where I could feel so relaxed. So I guess I'm a little tense.

Ah, so that's the situation. I suppose it makes sense if this is your first time. The good thing you know everyone here. I'm sure as the night goes on you find yourself in amongst them.

Sly: Have you played at any Weddings before? You looked pretty comfortable up there.

Actually, I haven't. Despite playing recitals with way bigger crowds, this was a different kind of daunting.

I'm just used to covering up my nerves when I need to play. In competitions, you get scored on your presentation so I'm quite the actor!

Sly: You're definitely quite talented Akamatsu. You should be proud to be that good.

O-oh. Thank you!

...to be honest, I kind of understand not being able to relax here. I don't really know anybody else here. I invited Maki-chan to join us after the ceremony...but she just had the same answer as you. She said weddings weren't her scene.

Sly: *He chuckles* I think her distaste for things like this runs a little deeper than mine. Back at the orphanage when we played house the younger kids used to wanna dress her up as if she was a bride to be. Something like this would probably make her feel a bit embarrassed.

Maki-chan used to dress up as a bride?!

...I totally can't imagine her playing dress up. I suppose it explains the hesitation to come.

Sly: *He jokingly sings* I wonder what she’ll do when you guys have a wedding

C-come on, there's way bigger things for us to be thinking about right now...not to take away from the current wedding, obviously. Plus, I don't think Maki-chan has that on her mind at the moment.

Sly: She was being weird when I came back to the island the other day for more than just the obvious reasons. You got any clue what’s going on in that head of hers?

I don't know. Maki-chan is hard to read, but I guess you already know that from experience...hey, can I ask you something?

Sly: What’s up?

Maki-chan...she's an assassin like you, isn't she? The whole 'Ultimate Child Caregiver' thing was a lie...right?

Sly: What gives you that impression?

She says that you taught her how to fight...but the problem is I've seen Naegi-san fight after being taught by you. Those two fight with completely different styles, so I started thinking she couldn't have taught by you...and you guys talk about this orphanage all the time...I just...I was wondering if maybe...maybe she was lying?

Sly: Hmmm I’m sorry, I don’t think I have a place to confirm or deny your feelings. I do think you should ask her about it though. If you two are really gonna continue forward, *he smiles as he points over to Ryouko and the others chasing after Nagata* the red head taught me that open communication is really important. Maki isn’t the best at it and truthfully neither am I, but we’re working on it. I can say, I see how she looks at you and I know what you mean to her, so I think you guys should talk before we set off.

You...you love Maki-chan as well, don't you? I can tell by the way you talk about her.

Sly: It makes me sound like an asshole but…I can’t deny that. But please don’t think I’d do anything to get in the way of your relationship. I’ve come to the terms that really I just want her to be happy and in all honesty I know you’re capable of giving her something that I fear I’m not able to give.

...Do me a favour. If I speak to her about me thinking she's an assassin, I want you to tell her how you feel. I think...she needs to hear you say it. I think it's important for her to know.

Sly: Do you a favor huh? *He rolls his eyes* Fine, I'll talk to her about it.

Good, I'm glad. I'll wish luck to the pair of us then!

Sly: Hmmm* He pauses for a moment* Anyone ever tell you that you have this sort of glow about you. I can see why Maki likes you, people like you are good for people like us.

Y-you think so? That's pretty nice of you to say. I don't think I do anything special, but...thank you.

Sly: No, Thank you. I’m happy you’re here. On a different note, since you don’t know anybody here really, I might as well introduce you to my class. I’m sure they won’t mind you taking a break from the Piano for a bit. *He extends his arm out for her to hold* Come on

*She takes his arm* If you insist. Lead the way!

[ditzybea]

Anyone? Really?

Really?!

Why did no one tell me that watching KinnPorsche was like a gateway drug? I never watched a BL series before and now I have subscribed to three streaming services exclusively showing Asian dramas. Not to mention the two dozen or so new accounts I'm following on Instagram!

I've watched KinnPorsche, all of TharnType, I'm caught up on Unforgotten Night, and I just started CutiePie. And my watchlist just keeps getting longer!

A little warning would have been nice, it's all I'm sayin', because I have no chill.

UPDATE! Cutie Pie was better than I thought it would be. Don’t Say No was a hot mess....that I watched in one day. And the angst in Love Mechanics is killing me. Like I said...NO CHILL!

UPDATE UPDATE! Bad Buddy was so good. Not enough kissing...but that says more about me than the show 😁. Old Fashioned Cupcake was so sweet and realistic. Loved it.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE! On my God...Love Mechanics. Oh my GOD! Loved it on so many different levels. YinWar...such a great couple. I love them both...equally...and completely.  And JimmySea in Vice Versa are gonna break my heart, I just know it. Sea Tawinan is A-Dor-Able!

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE! Watched Why R U and phew...ZeeSaint. I need a drink after that. Jumped right into Love by Chance season 1, because Saint is adorable, and some parts were pretty cringy, but I am in LOVE with Perth. I want to watch everything he's done. I am also full-on obsessed with Love in the Air! I get upset when the episode is over. Hopefully this feeling lasts.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE! I had to stop and restart Love by Chance 2. I hated that they essentially retconned TinCan and started over. I thought they left it a great place at the end of Season 1. Probably didn’t have enough material to start from there for the second season and tried to stretch it out. Oh well, I really only watched it for Perth anyway. Love him so much! Tum and Tar’s relationship still makes me feel icky. They did it better in TharnType a little, but here it was worse. I’m just gonna float in AePete for a little while before I find another ship to ruin me. Hoping for a third season, I need Ae and Pete back together on screen.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE! Well, I was introduced to OffGun with Not Me. The story was really good, I watched almost the whole thing just today, and I liked the development of the relationships. I only have one gripe to make. The only full-on declaration of love (i.e I love you) came from a couple that had like four scenes and never fully were together on screen. REALLY?! Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of pretty words that meant love, but an actual “I Love You” came from a guy with a crush.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE! Ok, this week I watched Theory of Love with OffGun. I loved it! I love really angsty stories anyway and this checked all the boxes. Story was well done, none of the characters were super annoying; all round good one. Unforgotten Night....ugh! I just can’t. After the tenth time Kamol called Kim his lover, I was tapped out. The story was mess and acting was not good. I love trashy as much as the next person, but I couldn't do it. I will say that KhomBaiboon was adorable and I was hoping for more of them. It seemed like everyone was just uncomfortable in their roles. And I am the only one who is loving ViceVersa? It’s a slow burn, but I love everything about it. Plus it brought Perth back! My heart flipped when he came on screen. I ADORE HIM! And Love in the Air is NOT disappointing. It kills me to wait a week for an episode. Boss and Noeul are killing it and I have a feeling that Peat and Fort are going to as well. I can’t wait until they are all interacting!!! And I may have watched "the scene" a few times by now. I can't help myself.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE! I wasn’t going to update until the weekend, but I just watched all of Semantic Error and y’all! To all the people that recommended this one...THANK YOU!!!! It was so so so good! I loved it from start to finish! I need more of them! I was talking to the TV it was that good. I think I haven’t done that since first season of Ted Lasso. It gave me the same feelings of Lasso, like a warm hug! I’m going to bed now with a light heart.

WEEKLY UPDATE!!!  This week I watched Star in My Mind and Star in Your Heart. I had been seeing clips KluenDao popping up my YouTube suggestions and I looked right up my alley. I have always been a sucker for mutual pining and jealous bouts. Not to mention the main protagonist being lusted after by at least four different people at one point. What? It’s a guilty pleasure. JoongDunk were good and they have great chemistry. Some of the dialogue was little cringy, but I am poor barometer for that. I think The Notebook is terrible, mainly because of the dialogue. And honestly the only reason I watched the sequel was to see how it ended. It was a little boring, sorry. Also, I knew the twist in Vice Versa was gonna happen. I knew they were gonna be separated, but that does not mean I was not heartbroken when it happened.

UPDATE! It has been a while since I last updated, so here we go. Vice Versa ended and I loved it. It was completely different and beautiful to watch. I agree with a lot of others, I wanted some of Tess and Tun living in other world, but JimmySea were so lovely. And I can not wait to see what else Sea does.

I watched SOTUS and SOTUS S as recommended by a commenter. I really liked it and SingtoKrist were a great couple, I have crushes on both now in varying degrees. Not a fan of bullies so it was hard to sit through the first few episodes. The push and pull between Kongpob and Arthit was a great enemies to lovers. I mostly watched the second season because there was angst coming and I am an angst whore. It was bit boring, but they were good.

Love in the Air ended and I loved the whole thing. FortPeat were amazing in their half of the season. Sky’s love letter was realistic and not over the top lovey, which is a huge pet peeve for me. Peat played his PTSD so well. It was played really well into the story and was believable. I may have also bought the presale on the special episode and preordered the box set. Never done either before, hopefully everything works out. 😬 

I am LOVING Between Us and WinTeam/BounPrem are amazing. I had seen them on in passing for awhile but I hadn’t really watched them, but DAMN! I also watched Until We Meet Again to see the other half of Between Us and I have some feelings. It was a great story, angsty and bittersweet and uplifting...but Dean is a dick! I know it is an unpopular opinion, but I can’t help it. Ohm is great actor and very beautiful, but....he was always pushing Pharm to do things when he wasn’t ready for, whether it be meeting In’s sister or learning about their shared past. I don’t know. He was really selfish in my opinion. Also what was up with Sin’s wig? How can they make someone as gorgeous as Ja creepy looking with that wig. And poor Fluke! That poor kid probably used buckets of Visine and the reason he was so small was because he was very dehydrated. Also their family trees were really hard to keep track of. I’m still not sure who is and isn’t related to who. The world is not that small. How did I not know that all of my favorite BL actors were in one show? But it was a fun surprise each time another favorite popped up.

UPDATE!! Not sure if anyone still reading this to this point, but I’m gonna keep adding to it. I watched Cherry Blossoms After Winter and I liked it. It was a little on light on the intimacy, but it was sweet. I just really wanted more kisses, I can’t help it. I really liked Taesung and Haebom’s relationship. Sucker for protective boyfriends. It did feel a little rushed at the end, but worth the watch.

Finally watched We Best Love 1 & 2 after seeing people raving about it. It checked all my boxes; hidden/secret crush, bickering, really sweet relationship, little bit of jealousy, break up then make up, and great kisses. Definitely worth the time. The secondary couples were kind of glossed over, but SamYu make up for it. Loved it. EDIT! A quick addition to my We Best Love watch. If you can watch the Special Edition version, DO IT! Shots linger a little longer, some scenes are longer, and some things are explained a little better. If you thought Sam broke your heart before, ohhh just wait.

UPDATE! Been a few weeks, so here we go. I've ventured into non-BL dramas for a little bit. I finished Vincenzo on Netflix and OH MY GOD!! It was amazing. Highly recommend! I also watched True Beauty on Viki. Super cute and angsty! And everyone was right, both men were swoonworthy. I even read through the entire webtoon to see how it would have ended if there was a second season.

Ok, back to BL. I watched My Tooth Your Love and it was adorable. The couple, Andy and Yujin, were so good together. Fully enjoyed, but I could not stop seeing Sam Lin whenever I looked at Yujin. I just couldn't help it and I'm ok with it.

Between Us came to an end and well....it was a bit underwhelming, but not why you'd think. The story didn't really fall into the normal tropes in BL, in my opinion. It was a straight up love story. There it a normal drama. People complain when queer stories are not told like "straight" ones and then people are complaining when this one was. You can't please everyone. I was underwhelmed because there were too many couples. There were 5 couples. FIVE! And with only 12 episodes, there was not enough time. As cute of couple as BeePrince were, it just didn't seem to fit. They could have been cut out and their time could have been given to the others. At least with DeanPharm and PruekManow they had time UWMA, but WanTul didn't get enough time. You have to grumpy and sassy would have been so fun to watch.

I watched Lovely Writer and man! I was so much. It was too much. I understand that it was supposed to be a commentary on the BL industry, much like War of Y was last year, but they crammed too many tropes into one show, into one storyline. You name the trope it was in there. Grumpy/sunshine, fan culture, lying/deception, hidden agenda, childhood friends, only one bed, hidden relationship, love triangle, soul mates, closeted parent etc. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but it was so much. I kept waiting for another one to pop up. I will say one thing, KaoUp have got kissing down! Damn! I was impressed!

UPDATE!!! Ok, its been a while since I've posted and I have not stopped watching. Bed Friends was not what I was expecting. I thought it was gonna be sexy, which it was, and fluffy, which it was. What I was not expecting was the trauma that they wrote into it. Uffda! I loved the chemistry between Net and James, they really are adorable. I wasn't big fan of Yim's character, his voice grated a bit, but I love Tutor and him together, so I'm excited to see their show next.

I watched Roommates of Poongduck 304 and fell in love with Ji Woong and Seo Bin. Their chemistry was really sweet and Ji Woong was so good. The angst was just the right amount and I wish they had left in the finale kiss as is, but what can you do.

I watched a few Japan BL's; Jack O' Frost, The End of the World With You, and Beautiful Man 1 and 2. No lightness is these, aside from a few comedic moments. These are your more grown-up BL's. I do like that episodes were short so I can watch them in one day. The relationships were a bit more uneven, not toxic per se, but one was definitely subservient to the other. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed them, but.....

The Korean's BL's this year are gonna get their own post because reasons!

Keep the recommendations coming! :)

[allthemenofmydreams]

Back Home with a Trophy & a Baby- Ben Chilwell

It was the week of the champions final, Ben was busy with training and some interviews. But in his free time at night, he would lie next to me and always lay his head on my growing belly and talk sweet words to our baby.

I was 8 months pregnant, and we still didn't know what sex our baby was. We wanted it to be a surprise, even though we were dying to know. When the team reached the Champions League final and found out that it would be played in Porto. Ben and I started having little arguments on whether or not I should attend the final. Due to my condition, I was not recommended to get on a plane, especially when you are at a stage where the baby could be born at any moment.

The day before he left we had another little talk. We still hadn't decided if I would attend the game or not. Although the doctor had given us green light for me to attend the game because everything was under control and it wasn't a long flight. According to him, the baby was going to stay in my belly for a couple more weeks, but Ben wasn't so sure. He feared that maybe I would start having contractions during the flight or, worse, that the baby would want to be born while he was at the game.

I was in the kitchen making dinner when he got home.

"I think you should stay," Ben said, placing a flight ticket and the game pass over the table. "I will be more relaxed if you stay, but I will also feel at ease knowing that you are in the stands supporting me, so... I let it up to you".

I walked and stood in front of him, placing my arms around his neck and playing with his hair. I looked him in the eyes and said

"I'm going to be fine, I mean we're going to be fine." I took his hand and placed it on my belly so he could feel the baby move.

Ben smiled and kissed me on the forehead.

"I know, I just can't help but worry about you two".

"How would you feel if I thought about it over the next few days, and let you know what I've decided?"

"I'm fine with that." He smiled and then said, "what's that smell?"

"Oh, I made your favorite food because I was craving it," He laughed and walked over to the stove to serve himself a plate.

"Let's have dinner then"

In the morning, Ben got up early for a final training session at Cobham before leaving for Portugal.

"Please, let me know what you decide Y/N, whether you go or stay¨ Ben said, taking his things and placing them in the back of the car.

I was in my pajamas standing in the door frame leading to our garage watching his movements. It was very early, but I had to say goodbye to him and wish him good luck because, whether I was going or not, it was very likely that I would see him after the game.

"We're staying, so don't worry. The baby and I want you to stay focused." Ben came over to me and kneeled, placing his hands and forehead on my belly.

"I'm going to get that win and bring that trophy home so when you grow up I can tell you about that great day."

Pregnancy hormones and Ben's words made me cry. He stood up and looked me in the eyes.

"I know I'm going to see you in a couple of days, but I don't want to leave without saying thank you"

"Thank you for what?" I asked, confused with my voice shaking from crying.

"For making me the luckiest man alive, because you are an extraordinary woman who is doing a great job with our baby. I can't wait to have him or her in our arms."Ben placed his hands on my cheeks and put his forehead on mine, "I love you so much Y/N, thank you for being my support, I don't know what I would do without you"

"I love you too Ben, thank you for all you have done for us, and for showing us not to give up and work on our dreams, I know you are a great team and you are going to win. I don't need to wish you good luck, because that victory is already yours." I gave him a soft and deep kiss. Whenever Ben plays away I get a little touchy, even though I know he'll be back in a day or two.

We hugged one more time before he got in the car and drove away.

I walked into the house and saw the tickets on the table. Even when I had told Ben that I would stay because I didn't want to worry him and needed him to keep the promise he had made to our baby before he left. I told the Footballer a little white lie.

The next day, I got dressed in comfortable clothes, grabbed my suitcase, and called an Uber to take me to the airport.

As we took off, I remembered that I hadn't told Ben about my change of plans. After a couple of hours, we landed, everything under control and the baby still in my belly. It was a safe and quiet flight and I slept through it. On the way to the hotel, I was thinking about how to communicate to Ben that I was not in London but Porto.

After checking into the hotel and settling into my room, I sent a message to Ben.

Y/N Babe, I need to tell u smth

He replied almost immediately.

Benjamin Please don't tell me the baby is born

I laughed at his worries.

Y/N Nop, baby still on my belly

Benjamin Phew! then what's it?

Y/N You won't believe me, but we're here

Benjamin Here? where? He didn't understand

Y/N Porto.

I replied straight to the point.

It's been 5 minutes since I told him I was in Portugal and he still doesn't answer my message. I don't know whether to worry. Maybe he got annoyed. A couple of minutes later my cell phone showed an incoming call from Ben, and as soon as I answered I heard his voice.

"It was that a joke y/n? because if it was..." I interrupted him.

"It wasn't a joke Ben, I'm here in Portugal. I'm at the hotel"

"Oh my god! you're such a liar, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I changed my mind at the last minute, everything went so fast that I forgot to tell you."

"I can't believe you did it... "

"Are you mad at me?" I asked out of the blue. I couldn't deal with the feeling of guilt for not telling him.

"What! no, I'm not mad. I'm actually glad you're here."

We kept talking for a little longer until we had to end the call because of his pre-match duties.

It's Saturday morning, game day. I sent a text to Ben wishing him good luck and that I would see him later to celebrate. Later I was already in the stands waiting for the game to start. The opening ceremony gave me goosebumps. It was unbelievable. I was glad I was at the game and didn't miss this special day; because I couldn't have lived knowing how everyone was talking about this special day and I didn't get to see it.

The teams took to the field and lined up in front of the sideline for the anthem once again. I noticed that Chelsea's number 21 was discreetly looking for me. When he found me, he signaled to let me know he had seen me. The signal was to run his hand through his hair, so the fans wouldn't go looking for the person he had waved at. Which made it a special moment between us.

The stadium erupted in cheers and celebrations when Kai scored the goal that gave us the lead. I screamed and celebrated as I had never done before. We were winning. A few minutes before the end of the first half, I felt a liquid running down my legs, had I peed?

In the bathroom, while wiping myself, I realized that it wasn't pee, but that my water had broken. I tried to stay calm and not panic; there was still halftime left to play. I took a deep breath, adjusted my dress, and went back to the stands.

The referee added 7 minutes. My nerves were clutching my stomach, plus the baby was also nervous because I could feel it moving. When the ref blew the final whistle I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding, it was the longest 7 minutes of my life.

Everyone in the stands was celebrating, the boys and Ben were hugging each other. They couldn't believe it. I was so happy celebrating and watching the awards that for a moment I forgot my water had broken. It was a little pain that reminded me that the baby could be born at any moment.

When they allowed the families to enter the field, Ben came for me. The huge smile on his face and the medal around his neck made me emotional. As soon as he was near we hugged and both burst into tears. I was so proud of him, I still couldn't believe he was Champion of Europe.

"You did it!" I told him wiping the tears that were running down his cheeks "I told you you would be a champion, I am so proud of you".

"I still can't believe it, I'm over the moon," he smiled and kissed my temple "Thank you! Thank you for coming and being here with me"

"I couldn't miss this day for anything in the world"

"I'm glad you didn't miss it"

We continued celebrating until the guys went back to the locker room to get ready for the celebration party.

We had just arrived at the place when I started to feel stronger pains. I didn't want Ben to miss the party, so I tried to mask them with the breathing exercises I had been taught in my prenatal classes. But I couldn't take it anymore and doubled over in pain.

"Babe, you okay?" Ben asked, kneeling next to me. I shook my head.

"I think the baby is coming," I said, inhaling and exhaling. "at halftime my water broke".

"What? Why didn't you tell me before?" his voice sounded worried.

"Because... at that moment... it didn't hurt." my voice cracked in pain.

"We have to go to a hospital" he took out his cellphone and asked for an Uber to the nearest hospital.

When we arrived, the nurses attended to me quickly and took me to a room. They asked me a couple of questions, luckily they spoke English. Ben filled out the paperwork for my admission, while we waited for the doctor. As soon as he came in and checked me over and said.

"This baby is ready" what! but it was still a couple of weeks before I was due. "Get things ready for delivery and call the pediatrician."

All the nurses started moving quickly and I started to freak out.

"Calm down," Ben said, taking my hand and kissing me "It's going to be okay, I'm with you."

"Okay," the doctor said, "on my signal, you're going to push as hard as you can, okay?", I nodded.

"You can do it, sweetie, now it's your turn to bring our trophy into the world."

"Now!" the doctor said.

After pushing three or four times, I heard our baby cry.

"Congratulations! It's a boy," the doctor said. "Do you want to cut the umbilical cord?" he asked, looking at Ben, and Ben nodded. A nurse handed Ben a pair of scissors. Watching him cut the cord was the most beautiful moment.

As soon as it was cleaned up, they took the baby away to check that he was healthy and strong because he had been born a couple of weeks earlier. strong because he had been born a couple of weeks before.

"You did great Y/N," Ben said, kissing my lips "he is going to be fine".

Ben texted our family and the lads at Chelsea to let them know that everything had gone well and that the baby was healthy.

A couple of hours later a nurse came in with our little boy in her arms and handed him to me.

I couldn't believe that this little human being had come out of me.

"Look at him, he is as handsome as his daddy," said Ben next to me, I let out a little laugh.

"I know, he's going to be a little heartbreaker."

"I don't know which one of you two I should thank, but you have certainly made this day unforgettable" Ben's eyes were covered with a couple of tears, he was over the moon, "I'm a double champion, I won a title and a baby".

"Who knew you were going to come home with a trophy and a baby," I laughed.

Our baby was still very small but I did not doubt that he was a clone of Ben.

Since everything was under control and he was a healthy baby, the next day they let us go. So our little guy came out dressed in a Chelsea onesie that the team sent us, plus other essentials for Ben and I that we didn't have because it was all unexpected. They also sent us the baby seat so we could take him home.

We didn't know if taking a newborn on a plane was a good idea, but we couldn't stay longer in Portugal. Luckily, the doctor said there was no problem, as our baby was healthy and could handle a couple of hours on the plane. At the hospital they helped us with the paperwork so we didn't have any problems when we arrived in London.

I was glad we were going back to London with the rest of the team because then Ben could still celebrate with them. The kids and families watching us were excited, all wanting to meet little Ben.

"Congratulations, Dad," Mason said as soon as he saw his teammate.

"Thanks, buddy," they hugged. "Would you like to be his godfather?"

Mason smiled and said.

"No need to ask."

When we found out I was pregnant, we spent more time wondering who was going to be our baby's godfather rather than thinking about names. We both agreed it would be Mason since he was a close friend of both of ours.

As soon as we landed we went straight home. We wanted to rest and assimilate everything that had happened over the weekend. I was glad that our baby was born early because Ben was able to be present at the birth and enjoy our boy for a couple of days before he left for his international duties.

[buddha-in-disguise]

5.18 So that was a lot!

Posting without editing, so apologies for any errors. I am running on barely any sleep, but really wanted to get this written while I could.

Overall impressions were great episode .... but again there were issues for me. However I will address them as I go through my thoughts on it all, and please don't think I am trying go bring this episode down. I'm not. It really was great! I just still see things that haven't been done that could've easily occurred to appease fans further or are examples of why 5b has been so problematic for me.

The opening was good, in that they actually explained that Leviathan were no longer at the location they'd used in Earth 38 before Crisis. These little pointers are what have been missed a lot this season (a couple of examples later ref Kelly). Too often it's been, we need to find their location; no explanation as to why that is.

Now onto the whiplash with Kara and her anger towards Lena.

Kara is angry over Lena being at the fortress and the reaction over her use of Myriad. Alex is the one actually acknowledging Myriad is a trigger for Lena.

Alex, who suddenly starts defending Lena? Then Kara is convincing herself Lena is involved with Lex. Look, I get that she would feel suspicious, I get she has the right to feel angry. But it is this sudden, seemingly out of nowhere anger, not recognising the good in Lena she has staunchly defended until now. With Alex understanding Lena's position.

As I say, I'm not saying Kara doesn't have a right to be hurt and angry. But to see such a quick role reversal in the Danvers sisters in how they're talking about Lena? That is what I find difficult to get my head around.

I don't expect Kara to be there fully defending Lena as she has done. But this just feels OOC yet again. This really isn't normal for Kara. We've seen her angry and feeling betrayed by those closest to her before, but you could see how it built. Understanding as to why those actions left Kara feeling like she did (Astra and J'onn anyone?)

Did I mention whiplash? Because, whiplash.

But it is good to see Kara once again around a table brainstorming with most of the Superfriends. Using her intelligence and skills to try and figure things out.

Nia is also finally able to be involved properly. I still feel annoyed Nia isn't really in CatCo at all these days, because as much as I love seeing her as Dreamer, I want to see Nia as more than just a Superhero. I want to see her continuing as a journalist, and like Kara, use both skills together when feasible.

The Tower is actually getting used (those computers aren't simply sitting there looking pretty). How many episodes has it taken to see this used properly for more than a brief scene? Too long.

M'gann is back. I love M'gann, and despite still feeling angry that they had J'onn throw her into a DEO cell, with no due process simply for being a White Martian, I've always enjoyed the dynamic between the two characters, and it wasn't a surprise they kissed. Although god damn it, where was our Dansen kiss. Even a hug? But onto Dansen in a bit.

Alex got into some action. That car hood slide?! Phew. It is suddenly very hot in here. We certainly wouldn't complain if they throw a few more of those hood slides in future episodes.

This is the sort of thing a lot of fans love Alex for. Her kick ass, throwing herself around best.

Plus the scene with Kara in the library just before that, also had the Danvers sisters vibe we have just missed a lot this season, especially 5b.

The DEO being destroyed. Of course we knew it was coming, but it was still good to see the whole sequence of action leading up to it. Kara jumping through that window! Day. Made.

The Nia and Brainy scenes though. My poor Brainia heart. Actually the way Nia and Kara turned and walked away outside after the collapse of the DEO .... oof. Understandable but still gut wrenching. The parallels to Lena and Kara, with Brainy and Nia are also there. God damn it, what is with all this pulling apart relationships and friendships on the show this season.

Kelly, while still frustrated she is working with William, in this episode it made more sense, as Nia and Kara were out doing Superhero things. I've said for ages though, William really isn't needed to simply stand over Kelly's shoulder as she does her thing. Okay, so he realised an image inducer was being used, but if Kelly was working this on her own, (with the Superfriends at The Tower), you can't tell me she wouldn't have been giving the footage the same level of detailed going over that William was. Nothing in those scenes couldn't have been done without him. Kelly is far more capable to do this. She is ex-military for gods sake.

Which leads me onto Dansen, but also Alex.

Once again we had them acknowledge that as ex-military Alex was finding it difficult to adjust. I broached this in an earlier piece I wrote when J'onn and Alex were talking about it. I would've far preferred Kelly had that conversation with her girlfriend, at home. That end scene with Dansen was great, but the dialogue with Kelly's ex-army buddy - that should've been Kelly when Alex says her actions led to it happening. That whole segment had Kelly and Alex talking written all over it. Another wasted opportunity of so many this season. It is especially galling as we've had so little meaningful Dansen content. That small change would've made a huge difference. Plus no hug? No kiss? M'gann and J'onn get one, but once again Dansen don't, and they don't even get the intimacy of a hug. It is ridiculous. And people wonder why fans have had increasing issue of the LGBTQ storylines. Or rather lack thereof.

Which brings me to my other bugbear from this season. Does Kelly know Kara is Supergirl? I mean I think she does after last weeks episode, which I've covered at the time. But that is only conjecture on what we saw, not what we know for certain. Where is Alex getting her income from? Is J'onn paying her, and if so, where is he getting the income from? Are Kelly and Alex actually living together? Because Kelly sure as hell looked comfortable in Alex's apartment, and Alex certainly looked as if Kelly not only was expected to be there, but belonged there. I know we can't get every minute detail about their lives, but these aren't small things. Plus it would only take brief dialogue to explain what the situation really is.

As for Alex becoming a vigilante. I will be honest, I've never been overly comfortable with vigilantes in shows, however they are littered throughout The Arrowverse. In fact, without them most Arrowverse shows wouldn't exist. As for the support of Kelly, that was a pleasant change. She understood the difficulties Alex faced, and offered a solution. After all, she has the Guardian shield. Whether she becomes her own version of Guardian I guess we wait and see. But since Alex needs to try and stop both Lex and Leviathan and has no other means to do it effectively, a vigilante is the most logical step. After all, isn't that what they've all been doing since Alex left the DEO? They just haven't placed a name to it until now.

Time to go onto Lex and Lena. Possible trigger warning here.

"You're a monster. But that doesn't mean I have to be one to."

First off. Jon Cryer and Katie McGrath were masterful in the scene where it all came to a head in the prison. Despite my misgivings of the overuse of Lex this season, there is no doubt this is why he is so good! His emotional range just came shining through. Just as Katie McGrath's did.

Him getting up into her face like he did, and her flinching. Here is what I tweeted about it: "Listen, I've been in an IPV relationship. I can't speak for victims of family abuse and if they grow up in the same way, but the way Lena flinched in this scene. That was me when my ex did what Lex did. That was real.

Katie McGrath's shone in tonight's episode."

Katie just completely nailed it. This is when I wish I could just stand there and tell her just how amazing that scene was. The same for Jon.

Those who have denied time and again Lena wasn't a victim of abuse, or it didn't excuse her for her actions in how Lex manipulates her, this is why we spoke about it. This is the victim of abuse. If she wasn't expecting that to escalate into a violent reaction, then that scene wouldn't have happened like it did. She was expecting the blow. That whole scene was visceral. I'm still trying to get to grips with how once again, the acting just brings through a depth so often lacking. So please spare me the excuses of she isn't a victim of abuse. That scene is canon now to the story. Between Lex last season, and this leaves no room for doubt, and if you do - you're not doing it for any other reason than to simply hate on Lena.

That last scene with Kara and Lena. Fucking finally! It's only taken 18 episodes to get there. Again I am still frustrated Kara is being so defensive against Lena, but I also do kind of understand it. She is also feeling hurt and no doubt worried. Is Lena trying to trick her again, like she had earlier in the season. Will she get her heart ripped out if Lena is presenting her with an act. Trust goes both ways, and both of them have found it difficult to reestablish it. I get that. I really do. Again though I just wish it hadn't taken until 5.18 for any kind of resolution between them to begin. Even if it had gone to the 20 episode season as planned, we couldn't get time to really get this sorted. Kara needs to let Lena explain why Lena did what she did with more than that speech. She needs to understand just how abusive the relationship is between Lex and Lena, and why to some degree Lena fell back into old habits like she did. Much like we had Lena and Andrea get that backstory, to really help show why Lena has trust issues, Kara and Lena now need to lay those cards out on the table in a similar way. No more hiding. Sadly I doubt we will get anything of that depth, and we certainly won't this season. But it is a start and that's more than I could've hoped for before the episode began.

Lastly, William getting black bagged by Eve. I wonder if her anger at Lex will make her use William as a pawn to gain revenge? Or will she let William know Lex was the one who has fed William those details, or activated him? Still a weird ass way to describe it by the way. But we will see. Honestly, William as a whole holds absolutely no interest for me. So I didn't even find myself reacting to what happened. It was ... meh.

And that's it for now. I've almost certainly forgotten something, but it was a lot to take in this episode.

Overall, I felt this episode was far better than some of what we've seen so far this season, particularly in 5b. It certainly leaves me looking forward to 5.19 with less dread than of late.

[blake-bellamyblake]

Roman short imagine: you're always late for work, so Roman punishes you.

The alarm clock suddenly awakens you rudely from your sleep, you glance at the time and jump out of bed fuck I'm going to be late again! You exclaimed. Quickly rushing to your closet to find your work atire. You throw on a black pencil skirt and a sleek white blouse and attempt to put on your make up as quick as possible. You fix your hair up into a high ponytail and leave the house. It was only a ten minute drive to the white tower. You soon arrived and took a glance at your watch oh god 9.20am. Twenty minutes late.

You made your way to the elevator, pressing the desired button. As the elevator started moving it gave you approx 3 mins to think about how you was going to avoid him.

Ding.

The doors opened, you made your way out and rushed down the corridor looking into the windows of his office. Phew he's not in yet. You thought to yourself.

You carried on till you got to your office door and shut it behind you letting out a big sigh of relief. "Good morning Y/N" a deep voice interrupted you from your thoughts.

"What did I tell you about being late" he continued as the chair swiveld around to face you. Shit!

"Um. Good morning roman, I mean Mr Godfrey im sorry, i slept in" your voice shaky as you look at the floor uncomfortably.

"you know this can't keep happening Y/N and there will be repercussions i warned you last time" he stated as he made his way towards you. You could feel yourself getting flushed and anxious. Roman was so unpredictable and showed no emotions. So you wasn't aware of what to expect.

"Mr Godfrey Are you going to fire me?" You said in a low voice, so low you wasn't aware if he heard you or not. He just carried on walking out the door not saying a thing.

You decided to not press it anymore and sat behind your desk, working your way through the mounds of emails that had began pinging through your laptop speakers. UGH this is going to be one hell of a day.

Lunch time arrived and you decided to carry on working your way through the list of jobs that was in front of you. might even impress him right? You thought before rolling your eyes. The only person that can impress roman is himself . you thought then burst out laughing unaware that roman was stood leaning against the door frame watching you like a hawk with a smirk forming across his face.

"Something funny Y/N"

You jumped in your chair which seemed to amuse roman.

"I didn't see you there, I was just working on these emails and looking at the expendature you sent me" you replied rather embarrassed. You watched as roman turned around and walked towards his office door.

Nothing happened for the rest of the day, 5pm soon came around and it was time to leave work for the day. As you started packing up your belongings an email pinged through.

From: Roman godfrey

To Y/N

I would like to seen you in my office. Now!

R.

Sheer panic ran through your body as you slammed the laptop screen down and rushed to pack the remainder of your stuff. As you made your way down to his office you couldn't help wonder what have you done wrong now?. You hesitantly knocked on the door while waiting for him to permit you to enter.

"Come in Y/N"

"Sit" he demanded, and you did as you was told. Not wanting to irratate him more then he clearly is. He began walking towards you before settling on the desk infront of you. Directly infront of you.

"now as you know I've been very patient with you and have given you chance, after chance to improve on your time keeping" he paused you felt as if you couldn't breath you needed this job more than anything.

"Please Mr Godfrey you can't sack me I'll do anything" you pleaded.

' I'll do anything' the words repeated in Romans head.

And with that he demanded you to stand up and learn over with your hands firmly pressed upon his desk. All sorts started circling around your head, what is he doing?but nothing could prepare you for what happened next. Smack.... Smack...

Roman began to hit your behind hard without saying anything.you winced at the first couple hits, but then you found your self enjoying it wanting more.

" you will not be late again Y/N if you are I will have no choice but to punish you again. Do I make myself clear, now get out of my office and I'll see you tomorrow 9am sharp"

You fumbled to get up and walked towards the door. What just happened

Getting into your car you started the engine and set off home trying to process it all. The next day you made sure that you was early, 8.45am to be prescicse you sat there smug looked awaiting roman to enter the office at 9am.

"I see you've made effort to get here on time Y/N" his deep voice entering your ears.

"as you requested sir" you playfully replied making sure you emphased sir.

"Good, now get back to work before I find other things to punish you on" roman replied with a wink.

What was that? Did .. he just flirt with me.

The office was quiet for most off the day and you found yourself drifting off.

Ping! The sound alerting you to a new email came from your laptop.

From; roman Godfrey

To; Y/N

I'm happy you decided to return to work after yesterday I was scared I may have frightened you off.

R.

You replied.

From; Y/N

To; roman Godfrey

you was doing your boss duties and making sure your employees have good and effective time keeping ;).

Y/N.

You don't know what came over you, you wouldn't normally reply like that. You was always so professional. But since that day with roman, something you didnt know, you craved escaped.

Ping!

From; Roman Godfrey

To; Y/N

I'm sure there will be many opportunities to come, now get back to work ;).

R.

You squealed in your seat looking at the reply. You had never felt more alive feeling like your doing something you shouldn't. You didnt reply to the email instead came up with the plan that you was going to be late tomorrow....

" Y/N your late, my office now!"

[dilnawaz]

🐣🐨🦔🐢🐄🐸🐧🦭

DID YOU LIKE MY COUNTDOWN!? That was fun! I had fun. That was actually more fun than I thought it would be! There were too many good posts to name. It was very fun reading all your comments and theories.  Though side note: animal anon has no problem with people joining her BUT it must be animals and it must not mess with my countdown. No statues! Animal anon does animals, not statues. Side side note: can someone settle the debate of if that emoji is a hedgehog or a porcupine? Because I have no idea. Side note side note side note: sorry if you got multiple asks in a day...my system isn't perfected yet so sometimes I send two (or three) because I forgot I sent one and didn't want to accidently miss anyone (also sorry if i did miss you, still perfecting the system, no one has been animal anon blacklisted, i promise!)

Anyway, GUESS WHAT TODAY IS!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 It's been one year since I started animal anon! How exciting is that?! Phew, what a year we've had together! I mean what better way to start this second year than some chaos since that's how animal anon started to begin with! I will admit, it was slightly stressful coming up with something to meet the occasion of this event. I hope the countdown and this post live up to it. No, I'm not going to reveal myself just yet.. maybe that will be for year 2...😏😏. BUT I will give you some fun facts about me! So let's see; first, I'm from the Midwest (so not Canadian, but close so I do have a slight accent), but I currently live in the TriState area. Second, I am a MASSIVE theater nerd. No, seriously I have been to 21 shows since Broadway reopened in September and I'm actually going to my 22nd tonight. I don't know if this makes that fact better or worse, but I've really only been to about 12 different show because out of those 22, 10 of those are one specific show. Third, I am fluent in German and English. Though, I suck at writing in German, I never learned how to, so don't ask me to do that please. Fourth, my favorite color is red, so you can guess my favorite Taylor album (and coincidently also the show I've been to see 10 times on Broadway...). Fifth, I love to talk A LOT if you couldn't tell by the essays I send yall. And lastly, I can also confirm I am not Taylor...but I will say that I do share something very important with her... tell me your guesses down below as to what very important thing you think Taylor and I have in common, and I'll send some extra animals to whomever I see gets it right first!

So contuining on with my dissertation here, this week I have been trying to figure out a prompt to live up to this occasion. As I already mentioned, my system isn't perfect! And I've been thinking a lot about community lately and how that's been lacking for so many because of Covid. So what I want yall to do is if you get this dissertation of mine, please send a message, post, anon, whatever you want to at least 1 other blog (though you can do more), telling them something you like about them and giving them an animal emoji! That way we can keep spreading the love all day long to as many as possible! 🥰

As always, you are all brilliant, kind, worthy, beautiful and as this past week has shown, hilarious and unique human beings. No seriously, some of your posts had me kneeling over in laughter. If you would so like, you can tag #animalanon so I and everyone can read all your lovely posts! IM STARTING EARLY TODAY SO WE CAN PARTY ALL DAY LONG BECAUSE I LOVE YALL SO MUCH 🎊 🦥🦁🐯

HAPPY ANONIVERSARY !! 💌💌 and omg i love theatre too! i've never been to broadway but i've watched (and acted in) a couple of plays in my city and it was super fun <33 wow it's very cool that you know german, i've heard it's a pretty difficult language to learn (esp the pronounciations)

i think the thing you have in common with taylor is a love for countdowns and easter eggs! and also a love for cats maybe?

[blake-bellamyblake]

The bet.

I was new in town and oh boy don't I just know it. The amount of stares I received for being the new girl at school was getting ridiculous. There was the usual crowds the jocks, the popular girls, band geeks, and.. well.. there was me.

I was never good in social situations so fitting it was never my strong point. Nor was I ever desperate enough to make myself fit into these stereotypes. I live with my older sister as my parents died when we was little! She had no choice but to look after me. Her names emma and we are the complete opposite of each other! She's into all the new fashions and trends, plans her outfits religiously the night before, where as i really just shove on any old thing in my wardrobe at last minute. emma recently got a job working as a receptionsist at the yellow tower? Or was it the white tower! I really should start to listen. So here we are, where my story begins at hemlock grove!

**It was the usual day at school boring lessons and sitting by myself at lunch time. This repeated for the next 3 weeks. Untill I met letha. She was blonde, skinny and my god was she beautiful. We became really close and exchanged numbers. We would text each other all day and night. We really hit it off. I always thought to my self why did she befriend me?

letha introduced me to them. Roman godfrey and Peter Rumancek. Meeting them was the biggest mistake of my life. Let me rewind the story a bit.

It all started off great, 3 new friends we did everything together. I met them as letha was having a small quiet gathering at her house. Her mum and dad went out for the weekend so we had the place to ourselfs. I arrived first at letha' s house she gave me my go to drink vodka n coke, Helps with the nerves. She told me she had two other friends coming over. Never in my mind would I thought it would be boys. I mean I wasn't a virgin or anything i had my fair share of trouble when it came to boys. And trouble was soon to find me again.

********************************************

Flash back

Letha: "Y/N this is roman, my cousin.

Holy shit

he was breath taking. Tall, dark and handsome. Definatly handsome you thought to yourself.

"hi roman nice to meet you my name's Y/N" you replied back hoping he didn't notice you staring wide eyed at him.

Peter came walking through the door way moments after. Phew. This was awkward.

We all exchanged pleasantries and chatted away like we'd known each other for years.

The drinks was flowing and the drinking games began. truth or dare like we were 15 year olds again. I should of noticed or realised something was up at this point but couple of drinks is enough to wipe out my "somethings not right here" part of my brain. I should of seen the smirk from Peter. Moments later roman and Peter left the room leaving me with letha.

*************

Peter: so I've got an idea...more of a bet really

Roman: go on?

Peter: I bet you can't, get Y/N to fall in love with you

Roman: and why would I want to do that? She's not exactly my type.

Peter: scared she's gonna resit you?

Roman: not a chance! I'm in! How long do I have?

Peter: 4 months.

The boys returned back to the living room and the game of truth or dare continued. You kept noticing roman staring at you from the corner of your eye. What's his problem you thought

Peter: Roman! Its your turn..truth or dare

Roman chuckles realising what Peter is trying to do. Dare he replied.

Peter: umm I dare you.. to umm.. kiss...... Y/N.

You nearly chocked on your drink upon hearing your name. WHAT. Oh god.

You couldn't make eye contact just sat there silent I mean you wasn't going to dismiss the idea but infront of everyone glaring. Awks

Your palms became clammy as you saw the tall silhouette walking towards. Oh god. Oh god.

Roman knelt down infront of you asking for your permission to go ahead.

You just nodded your head as he slowly made his way towards your lips. He surprised you. He held your face gently as he kissed you. He moved away to take a breath before coming back for more. Looking at him you didn't think it would feel like this, you imagined in that split second it would be rushed and rough.

Peter and letha started giggling and cheering behind you which made you come back to reality.

Letha: okay guys let's get on with the game I don't want to see you two necking on all night. She laughed

You felt you cheeks flush. Holy shit that was amazing.

Roman sat beside you instead of returning back to his seat. Your hand was touching the floor as you knelt on your knee' s watching letha and Peter get dared numerous of funny stuff.

You could of sworn he kept gliding over your hand on purpose. Was he trying to get a reaction out of you? Or was this just the alcohol. Probably the alcohol you thought.

Next day:

You Had just gotten off the bus when you saw Letha run up to you and gave you the biggest hug and whispered something in your ear, you wasn't able to catch what she said so you made a mental note to ask her later. Before she dragged you off to first period.

You was sat next to a lovely guy called james and you helped him with the science questions as he repeatedly told you he didn't understand no matter how hard you explained it to him. You spent the majoirty of the lesson laughing together untill you both had tears in your eyes. The Bell was just about to go so you packed all your belongings up And that's when you saw him. glaring at you from the doorway. Eyes fixated on you which made you nervous seriously what is his problem and that stare!

Roman: Who was that

um james, he's really nice you replied

Roman: ok well fuck him, I'm taking you out tonight be ready for 8, wear something hot babe He winked as he said 'babe'

Y/N: What? Wait roman

Too late he had disappeared into the crowds. What does this mean you thought and babe seriously you rolled your eyes and rushed off to go find letha to tell her what just happened.

Y/N: you never guess what ... you began to say

Before letha interrupted you "he likes you Y/n" she spat out all giddy

What? Is all you managed to string out.

Roman! He likes you. he wouldn't stop talking about you after you left and kept asking me places where he should take you.

You didn't know what to say you just sat there trying to take it all in. He likes me? You kept repeating in your head HE LIKES ME you tried to play it cool and act like you wasn't interested. Lies all lies. You was beyond bursting with excitement.

School ended and you and letha rushed back to your house and raided your sisters wardrobe in preparation for your date.

8pm soon arrived and there he was standing infront of his red car wearing black skinny jeans and A white shirt. Fuck! Your knees nearly bookeld at the sight of him.

"wow you look beautiful Y/N" Roman stated as he held the car door open for you. Wow what a gentleman. He took us to a restaurant which he had booked out for just us, a nice romantic candlit dinner it was perfect. I mean I knew he had money but I didn't think he was this rich.

The rest of the night was perfect you didn't want it to end. He dropped you off and walked you to your front door.

Night baby he winked before planting a kiss on you.

*******

Since that night you and roman had become inseparable. You began dating not long after your first date it was just coming up to 4 months. Things were perfect and you was the happiest you've ever been. Roman was the perfect boyfriend and was forever complimenting you and showing you affection. You had no reason to doubt him right?

Soon came around our 4 month anniversary and roman had planned a weekend away. Nothing warmed your heart more when roman took hold of your hand and gently looked at you, it was almost like he was nervous. You laughed at the thought of roman being nervous he always acted so in control.

Y/N I wanted to bring you here to make it a night to remember, to show how much you mean to me! I never thought I would ever... Umm. ..I never thought I could.

What's wrong roman. you cut him off? Why was he stuttering over his words.

Roman: I'm in love with you Y/N

Those words made your heart flutter, you thought you was going to be sick from bursting with happiness

Y/N: I love you too roman godfrey

With hearing you say it back to him he threw his arms around your face kissing you over and over, slowly at first then getting more passionate.

************************

On the return home you rang letha and told her everything that had happened and how roman had confessed his love for you. She was so happy for us! Spent the night chatting untill you both fell asleep.

After school you went round to Romans house as you did everyday. It got to the point you didn't knock anymore you just let your self in, you spent a short while talking to shelly and Olivia before heading off to find roman.

You walked down the many corridors of the godfrey mansion before over hearing talking it was roman and Peter.

they hadn't noticed you hovering around so you decided to hide and see what kind of stuff boys spoke about. Lame I know

You wish you didn't.

Peter: I can't believe you actually won man

Peter: What did she say when you told her you loved her? Peter began laughing. Oh come on roman don't go all quiet on me now.

Roman: Peter stop I need..

Peter cut off roman before he could finish.

You best not be going soft on me now you agreed to this bet.

What. The. Fuck. You felt as if your heart was gonna split in two right then.

" what bet" you came from hiding behind the door. " WHAT BET" you didn't realise you had began shouting.

Peter with a smug look on his face declared" I put on a bet with roman to see if he could get you to fall in love with him"

Roman looked paler than ever, just stood there staring at you.

The tears began falling from your eyes as you rushed out the door.

"Y/N WAIT" roman screamed chasing after you " BABY WAIT"

you stopped and turned around " dont ever call me that again roman" you exclaimed!

Y/N please let me explain, roman said in a low voice

"Explain what? That you did all this for a stupid bet! I love you roman" the last few words were more of a muble as your voice became shaking as the tears kept pouring.

" I did at first ...do it as a bet, but I soon fell in love with you Y/N that part was all true, I know you don't believe me right now but your the only person who's ever made me feel like this. I forgot about the bet with Peter untill just then when I told him about our weekend away and that I told you I loved you" Roman pleaded his voice now becoming as weak and pathetic as yours.

You noticed tears slowly falling his cheek.

" I can't forgive you Roman, it's over.. we're over"

And with that you ran down the corridor and out of the mansion running as fast as your legs could take you. Running anywhere as long as your now weakened body would take you.

Roman watched you leave as he fell to the floor his heart was truly breaking! He really did love you. He knows he should of told you about the bet, but how could he?

*******

This was the day roman godfrey broke my heart in two.